My birth mother did not know the name of the man who fathered me.
He was a random extramarital hook up during an alcohol-fueled time period during the marriage to the father of five of my older siblings. (Step-siblings it turns out.)I will never know the paternal side of my DNA makeup, ethnicity, or blood lineage of my birth father. I will never see myself in the physicality or mannerisms of a birth father. I will never know anything more about him other than what my birth mother told me when I was 40-years old: "He was dark."
I will never know but, understand this: I am known & my life was ordained.
God knew where my birth mother would be the day of my conception.
God knew (knows) the man who contributed the XY portion of my genome set.
God knew in that moment of adultery that I would be formed.
Me, the illegitimate child.
Me, the brown-skinned, brown-eyed baby who shocked everyone in the decidedly not brown-skinned, brown-eyed, biological family on a California morning back in 1965.
God knew them--birth mother, birth father.
God knew me--Julie Ann.
God ordained [fixed or established especially by order or command] the weaving together of my body, mind, spirit, and soul, in the secret place of my mother's womb.
I have lived outside the womb 1,583,280,000 seconds.
How does one fathom their non-existence? or, grasp what it would have been like to not know the love of treasured adoptive parents and the delight of a beloved Grandma? or, begin to comprehend not being part of the lives of friends from Kindergarten to her 50s? or, to have missed the passion of a tall, dark, and handsome man whose touch still makes her melt? and to have never felt the life of her own babies kick within her and to watch them take their first breath and turn at the sound of hearing your voice?
How? One does not. It is impossible.
Hashtags abound today exhorting women to #ShoutYourAbortion. Tonight I choose to #ShoutMyLife and to give thanks to my birth mother (now deceased) who chose to continue my life despite her fearing over nine-months that I would be who she feared I'd be: another man's child.
Abortions in 1965, though technically illegal, were still a very real possibility for someone seeking an out from the evidence of her infidelity. My birth mother, Guin, chose life and I am here as the result and forever grateful for such.
#ChooseLife #EvenInTheWorstOfCircumstancesChooseLife4ItISLife
God knew where my birth mother would be the day of my conception.
God knew (knows) the man who contributed the XY portion of my genome set.
God knew in that moment of adultery that I would be formed.
Me, the illegitimate child.
Me, the brown-skinned, brown-eyed baby who shocked everyone in the decidedly not brown-skinned, brown-eyed, biological family on a California morning back in 1965.
God knew them--birth mother, birth father.
God knew me--Julie Ann.
God ordained [fixed or established especially by order or command] the weaving together of my body, mind, spirit, and soul, in the secret place of my mother's womb.
I have lived outside the womb 1,583,280,000 seconds.
How does one fathom their non-existence? or, grasp what it would have been like to not know the love of treasured adoptive parents and the delight of a beloved Grandma? or, begin to comprehend not being part of the lives of friends from Kindergarten to her 50s? or, to have missed the passion of a tall, dark, and handsome man whose touch still makes her melt? and to have never felt the life of her own babies kick within her and to watch them take their first breath and turn at the sound of hearing your voice?
How? One does not. It is impossible.
Hashtags abound today exhorting women to #ShoutYourAbortion. Tonight I choose to #ShoutMyLife and to give thanks to my birth mother (now deceased) who chose to continue my life despite her fearing over nine-months that I would be who she feared I'd be: another man's child.
Abortions in 1965, though technically illegal, were still a very real possibility for someone seeking an out from the evidence of her infidelity. My birth mother, Guin, chose life and I am here as the result and forever grateful for such.
#ChooseLife #EvenInTheWorstOfCircumstancesChooseLife4ItISLife
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